Annoying Piers

Isn't he just

More annoying Piers

Hello again, can you remember where I was up to when we were last together?

Was it?

What then, do others think of Piers Morgan?

Yes, I think it was, so let’s get back to annoying Piers. (I cheated. I pressed that back button above the date to see where we were.)

aaand Go

What then, do others think of Piers Morgan?

Now, these bullets have been numbered, but not in any particular order. You can vote on which you think best applies to him at a later date.

In the comments box you can suggest attributes of your own, to add to the poll when it is published. (No foul language please)

  1. Self-publicist (Even he, I think, would agree with that)
  2. Humourless buffoon (You can vote for No. 8,  if you find what he says laughable)
  3. Toilet Paper to @garylineker (The ‘cyber-bully’. Oh how he could have done with Piers being there in 1986)
  4. Vacuous (Empty vessels make more noise)
  5. Big Head (As a child, his mum sent him to the shop for 10 pounds of potatoes. He carried them home in his hat) NB. citation needed
  6. Middle Class Prig (oops, I had to be careful with the spelling there)
  7. Ugly Runt (again, I had to be careful with the 1st letter of the second word; luckily, the letter C is 2 rows down from the R)
  8. Bufoon (See No. 3)
  9. Failed Editor of ‘The Daily Mirror’ (He didn’t agree to leave, he was sacked; It seems, cameras can lie)
  10. Failed ‘Segway’ rider (”You’d have to be an idiot to fall off, wouldn’t you Mr President?” he said, when George W fell off a ‘Segway’)

You’ve now passed the ‘Happened Upon’ section

Welcome back

Oh shit, it’s just occurred to me that Piers could still be reading this blog. ….. Ooh, what a mess I could be in. ……. What to do? ….. Stay calm, ……….  don’t panic. ……… Ah, I’ve sorted it.  …. just in case that nosy swine is piering in (Notice the play on words there? Clever eh?),

Here’s a:

Legal Notice

The aforementioned bullets are not neccessarily the views of  the poster of this blog.

‘The Blogger’, in the finest traditions of ‘The British gutter Press’, which Piers advanced to an art form, has done absolutely no research at all before the posting of this blog. Rather, what with him being a lazy sod, he just had a butchers (Rhyming slang; Butchers hook = look) at;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piers_Morgan

Here endeth the legal crap.

And yes, Piers I have seen the advert, ”Where there’s blame, there’s a claim”. So, if  you’re going to start lobbing solicitors letters around, then I suggest you start with those that I call, ‘My peers’ (Look, I just did another play on his name). You  might call them , ‘Those nasty, small-minded,  jealous, and  bigoted, editors of ‘Wikipedia’.

Anyway, in completing this post, I think that I have proved  the lyricist of ‘The Verve’ wrong.

Please follow @annoyingpiers on ‘twitter’, to ensure you get the next instalment of this compelling saga.

There might be a Like button, or a ratings type thing,  somewhere below here. I don’t know how they work, so just press them all if you like.

 Ooh, and a comments box too.

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Grammar

I’ve Reblogged this. I don’t know where it will go.

Things that make me Chortle

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APOLOGY TO PIERS

BREAKING NEWS

SAYS PIERS,

&

BLOCKS @ANNOYINGPIERS TWITTER FEED

THIS BLOG, DID WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN.

So just how did Piers get so upset?

If you’re new here, press that <<  button type thing, above the date, up near the title before reading on.

I Blame Myself

I, the ‘Blogger’ can only offer my heartfelt apology to you Mr Morgan. The warnings that I gave to you on ‘Twitter’ were not strong enough to stop you from visiting this blog. This article was published in the spirit of what we working class people call, ‘Banter’ , perhaps the middle-classes might perceive it as, ‘Satire’. In my warnings ,I did suggest to you that the content may upset you.

Of your early life, I know nothing, other than that you went to public school. Whilst there, you were probably bullied constantly, and called all sorts of names which cannot be printed in this publication.  If my thoughtless skits have brought back memories of those days of, ”Piers, look at those goldfish in the toilet”, and such like, please seek therapy,

”The pen is mightier than the sword”, I have heard said (I don’t read much, although the last book I read was very good, and recommended reading; ‘Janet and John:Off to Play’),  and it is to my eternal shame that I might be perceived as a cyber-bully by the ‘Twittersphere’.

How I can deliver this apology to the delightful, if slightly sensitive Mr Morgan, I know not. (Blimey, I sounded like a Victorian public schoolboy myself there, did I not). Perchance, a ‘Tweeter’  whose  account isn’t blocked could forward it to the genteel, and esteemed former journalist. (If you put @annoyingpiers in the ‘Tweet’, it will be blocked)

The Good News (For Me, anyway)

My mental health will surely improve in the near future, as my divorce has now been finalised. This secure unit has been my home, and my salvation for quite a while, but as soon as I am no longer a danger to either, myself nor the general public, the doctors say that I can move on to, ‘Care In The Community’.

My  wife  ex-wife (Ooh, that sounds good), is from rural Spanish beginnings. Once, on a visit to my in-laws, and in a conversation with her mother, I asked  if my wife had been  happy as a child.

She said (And you will have to do your own Spanish accent while reading this quote), ”Adriana Lola, when she was a child, she smiled once, when she was a few months old. I think it was, … how you say, …. wind”.

She then said, after she stopped crying, ”No, I am wrong, for when she was about ten, or eleven, she laughed out loud when her brother’s donkey died.

”Oh how I wish I had not named her Adriana Lola”, she continued. ”Why is that?”, I inquired. ”For her name means, ‘Dark Sorrow’, and that has been her mood since birth”.

Throughout my marriage, I tried not to smile, as I knew it would unnerve my wife. (She couldn’t bear the thought of me being happy). On odd occasions I would try to lift the mood with a joke or two. Luckily, without exception, the jokes, like the birds in the dark skies over our house, went straight over her head.

Now, it would be easy to exaggerate and say that I never saw her smile, or laugh, but that is not the case. Often, when watching news programmes, she would giggle. She used to Sky+ natural disasters, and watch them over and over.

For the last seven or eight years of our marriage I never spoke to Adriana Lola. We hadn’t fallen out, I was just waiting for her to take a breath.

Once, in the early years of our marriage, I, full of Courage (About ten pints, or so) dared to answer her back. I was driving home when I was stopped by the police.

The mustachioed, traffic officer, speaking through my open window said, obviously in a surly manner, ”Sir didn’t have his seatbelt on”. (I had put it on as I was stopped)
Before I could answer, ‘The Wicked Witch’ in the passenger seat, shouted across to him,
”I’m always telling him to wear it. He won’t listen to me”.
”Shut up woman”, said I.

Officer Dibble (I kid you not), continued with the, seemingly compulsory repartee, ”Was sir having trouble taking off?”
Again, ‘The Poisoned Dwarf interceded on my behalf with, ””I’m always telling him to slow down. He won’t listen to me”. With raised voice, I demanded of her that she, ”Shut your big mouth, you silly cow”.

I thought the officer’s demeanor changed for the worse, when, ‘The Daughter of Darkness’, in response to his enquiring of her, ”Does he always talk to you like that?” replied with, Only when he’s been drinking”.

That night, I learned a lesson, and lost my license.

The Way Forward.

As I remarked earlier, I know little of Piers Morgan’s private life, and I don’t know whether he is married, in a relationship, or an eligible single man.

I just feel that, with him having so much in common with Adriana Lola, it would be wonderful if fate could bring them together.
(Thank god for that, thinks the reader. Finally he gets to the point. Talk about a shaggy dog story.)

The Next Post

Brian, ‘The Blogger’, has already written another post, which would have been published before this, but has put it down somewhere and can’t find it. (He has no idea why he is talking in the 3rd person, as normally he would consider that to be pretentious).

As it’s already been written, I can’t be mithered (Northern Dialect),  bovvered (Essex, I believe), arsed (generally accepted), or, inclined (For American readers, or indeed, the English middle clarss), to rewrite it.

Consequently, if it turns up somewhere in this cesspit that I call home, I will publish it unedited.

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Annoying Piers

Hello Piers,

You were told not to open this link, but you couldn’t resist it could you. I know your ego forced you to come to this blog. I’m sure you thought you’d  hear nice things being said about you. I’m sorry Piers, and I know you won’t believe this, but not everyone thinks that you are ‘the dogs dangly bits’. Get a tissue, to wipe your tears away before you read on.

Hang on, maybe you should get a man-sized box.

I also know that you have got nearly 2 million followers (I know, because You tell Shugs regularly). I have though, noticed that you are on ‘Twitter’, rather than ‘Facebook’. Is that because on ‘Facebook’ people sign up as friends? Both you and I know that there wouldn’t be many sane people who would like it to be known of them as, ‘Your Friend’, now would there?

However, to quote,  ‘The Life of Brian’,

‘you’, ”are a very naughty boy”, for letting your curiosity get the better of you. By the way, That isn’t your mother………is it?………….or you?

Neither are you ‘The Messiah’, although ‘you’ would think that you’d have more followers than him, if  he had a ‘Twitter’ account.

I am, Piers, like Brian’s Mother, and, I’m sure, like you, a virgin.

In my case, I am not talking in the biblical sense, but with regard to writing blogs.

It would be better for ‘you’ if you now closed this page, as I am now done with the pleasantries.

Oh, just before you go, I must say in your defence, I abhor the way @garylineker ‘cyber-bullies’ you.  I had never even heard of him before you started  constantly losing the  battle of minds with him on ‘Twitter’.

I am led to believe he was a world-class  footballer, before becoming a crisp salesman, and sometime TV presenter.

He’s hardly got any education you know. Just because he is quick-witted and funny, and likeable to the general public, he thinks he can answer you back. Don’t let him embarrass you any further, just block him. It must break your heart to be outwitted on a daily basis by, and I think I can quote you here, ”a halfwit”.

As an aside, I, do not want to appear to be a ‘cyber-bully’, at least not to your face anyway. I am, like you, a keyboard warrior. I would never dream  of talking to someone face to face, when I can do it  behind a keyboard, or behind their backs.    …. Oh no, I’ve just realised that I have something in common with you.

And so Piers, Press the X top-right of the screen. Bye, bye.

If you are not Piers Morgan, why are you here?

Either,

You know who Piers Morgan is, and obviously, it goes without saying, that he bugs the shit out of you. Don’t worry, there are no images of him on this blog. I know that even a mental image of him is upsetting. (I can feel my teeth itch, at the thought of him) Please scroll down past the ‘Happened Upon’ section.

Or,

You pressed the wrong button and found yourself here by mistake.

If you just happened upon this blog, and you have never heard of Piers Morgan, then you are indeed blessed. In this case, ignorance really is bliss.

If that is the case, then it is probably in your best interest, as I advised Piers earlier, to close this window now, and never return. Press the X at the top- right of your screen.

If you have a strong stomach, and curiosity has got the better of you, let me enlighten you.

Piers Morgan has variously been described as:

  • Tall
  • Dark
  • The most handsome man in the world
  • The most intelligent man in the world
  • The sexiest man in the world
  • The wittiest man in the world
  • The best endowed man, in the trouser department, in the world
  • The best chat show host in the world
  • The most able judge of any ‘so called’ talent show in the world.
  • Formerly, the best Newspaper editor in the world
  • The luckiest Shareholder in the world
  • God’s gift to women, and indeed, all mankind

But that’s enough of what Piers Morgan thinks of himself.

What then, do others think of Piers Morgan?

I wish I had time to tell you, but the nurse said that the drugs are wearing off, and so I’ve got to go back in the straight-jacket.

When I’m sane,  I mean feeling a little better, I’ll update my blog.

Please follow @annoyingpiers on ‘twitter’, to ensure you get the next instalment of this compelling saga.

There might be a Like button, or a ratings type thing,  somewhere below here. I don’t know how they work, so just press them all if you like.

Ooh, and a comments box too.

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