BREAKING NEWS
SAYS PIERS,
&
BLOCKS @ANNOYINGPIERS TWITTER FEED
THIS BLOG, DID WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN.
So just how did Piers get so upset?
If you’re new here, press that << button type thing, above the date, up near the title before reading on.
I Blame Myself
I, the ‘Blogger’ can only offer my heartfelt apology to you Mr Morgan. The warnings that I gave to you on ‘Twitter’ were not strong enough to stop you from visiting this blog. This article was published in the spirit of what we working class people call, ‘Banter’ , perhaps the middle-classes might perceive it as, ‘Satire’. In my warnings ,I did suggest to you that the content may upset you.
Of your early life, I know nothing, other than that you went to public school. Whilst there, you were probably bullied constantly, and called all sorts of names which cannot be printed in this publication. If my thoughtless skits have brought back memories of those days of, ”Piers, look at those goldfish in the toilet”, and such like, please seek therapy,
”The pen is mightier than the sword”, I have heard said (I don’t read much, although the last book I read was very good, and recommended reading; ‘Janet and John:Off to Play’), and it is to my eternal shame that I might be perceived as a cyber-bully by the ‘Twittersphere’.
How I can deliver this apology to the delightful, if slightly sensitive Mr Morgan, I know not. (Blimey, I sounded like a Victorian public schoolboy myself there, did I not). Perchance, a ‘Tweeter’ whose account isn’t blocked could forward it to the genteel, and esteemed former journalist. (If you put @annoyingpiers in the ‘Tweet’, it will be blocked)
The Good News (For Me, anyway)
My mental health will surely improve in the near future, as my divorce has now been finalised. This secure unit has been my home, and my salvation for quite a while, but as soon as I am no longer a danger to either, myself nor the general public, the doctors say that I can move on to, ‘Care In The Community’.
My wife ex-wife (Ooh, that sounds good), is from rural Spanish beginnings. Once, on a visit to my in-laws, and in a conversation with her mother, I asked if my wife had been happy as a child.
She said (And you will have to do your own Spanish accent while reading this quote), ”Adriana Lola, when she was a child, she smiled once, when she was a few months old. I think it was, … how you say, …. wind”.
She then said, after she stopped crying, ”No, I am wrong, for when she was about ten, or eleven, she laughed out loud when her brother’s donkey died.
”Oh how I wish I had not named her Adriana Lola”, she continued. ”Why is that?”, I inquired. ”For her name means, ‘Dark Sorrow’, and that has been her mood since birth”.
Throughout my marriage, I tried not to smile, as I knew it would unnerve my wife. (She couldn’t bear the thought of me being happy). On odd occasions I would try to lift the mood with a joke or two. Luckily, without exception, the jokes, like the birds in the dark skies over our house, went straight over her head.
Now, it would be easy to exaggerate and say that I never saw her smile, or laugh, but that is not the case. Often, when watching news programmes, she would giggle. She used to Sky+ natural disasters, and watch them over and over.
For the last seven or eight years of our marriage I never spoke to Adriana Lola. We hadn’t fallen out, I was just waiting for her to take a breath.
Once, in the early years of our marriage, I, full of Courage (About ten pints, or so) dared to answer her back. I was driving home when I was stopped by the police.
The mustachioed, traffic officer, speaking through my open window said, obviously in a surly manner, ”Sir didn’t have his seatbelt on”. (I had put it on as I was stopped)
Before I could answer, ‘The Wicked Witch’ in the passenger seat, shouted across to him,
”I’m always telling him to wear it. He won’t listen to me”.
”Shut up woman”, said I.
Officer Dibble (I kid you not), continued with the, seemingly compulsory repartee, ”Was sir having trouble taking off?”
Again, ‘The Poisoned Dwarf interceded on my behalf with, ””I’m always telling him to slow down. He won’t listen to me”. With raised voice, I demanded of her that she, ”Shut your big mouth, you silly cow”.
I thought the officer’s demeanor changed for the worse, when, ‘The Daughter of Darkness’, in response to his enquiring of her, ”Does he always talk to you like that?” replied with, Only when he’s been drinking”.
That night, I learned a lesson, and lost my license.
The Way Forward.
As I remarked earlier, I know little of Piers Morgan’s private life, and I don’t know whether he is married, in a relationship, or an eligible single man.
I just feel that, with him having so much in common with Adriana Lola, it would be wonderful if fate could bring them together.
(Thank god for that, thinks the reader. Finally he gets to the point. Talk about a shaggy dog story.)
The Next Post
Brian, ‘The Blogger’, has already written another post, which would have been published before this, but has put it down somewhere and can’t find it. (He has no idea why he is talking in the 3rd person, as normally he would consider that to be pretentious).
As it’s already been written, I can’t be mithered (Northern Dialect), bovvered (Essex, I believe), arsed (generally accepted), or, inclined (For American readers, or indeed, the English middle clarss), to rewrite it.
Consequently, if it turns up somewhere in this cesspit that I call home, I will publish it unedited.
Annoying Piers 